A long journey ahead

After spending a lot of time reflecting on my life, I've decided I have a long way to go to be where and who I want to be in this life.   My anxiety issues make me lose focus on the big picture, and focus more on little things, what to where, what to say, what time to go, etc.  I forget to stand back and realize that every choice I make effects my long term goals.  I also remind myself though that as long as I learn from my mistakes and do better the next time, that is better than denying that I made any mistakes and being oblivious to the changes that are needed.  I have found myself lately to be doing a lot of complaining and not liking stuff, but not doing anything to change it, and those of you who know me, know that I can't stand that kind of person so that needs to stop...errrr....actually, change needs to start!

I spent a few days off  facebook, and then reactivated it, only to find myself more obsessed with it.   Why is it we feel the need to know what everyone else is doing all the time or to post what we are doing all the time?  I deactivated it again, clearly I need more time away.   I also need to work on the texting thing.  When I feel lonely I tend to turn to technology to connect me to people, and lots of them.  I am sure there is a better way to fill this void. Perhaps with the real people close to me?  Duh!

When the kids aren't here I find myself lonely and bored, not really sure what to do, wishing I had something to do but not knowing what that something is. I want to relax but also feel like I should be doing something exciting in my kid free time.  It happened to be this weekend that the boys were gone.  I'm also quite sick so I had a lot of downtime to just think.  I remembered that last year in January, February and March I lost 28 lbs.   I decided that this year I want to beat that!   This will give me a focus, something that I have to remember that every choice I make, everyday, will effect my end result.  I know that when I put my mind to something, I can achieve it.  It just seems with my weight loss that something always comes up and I lose my focus.  3 months is a good time frame to start for a goal.  It is long enough that I can make some major changes, but doesn't seem like forever to me, and therefore doesn't overwhelm me. 

One other thing I want to focus on is finding things that make me happy.  This is difficult for me because I get my satisfaction when other people are happy with me, which isn't really the way it should be.  When I think other people may not be happy with me, it increases my anxiety.  I am always wanting everyone elses approval, I want to get to the place where I just do what I want to do because it makes me happy, but without being a selfish bitch.  I'm not sure really how to find that balance but I hope in time to figure it out.  

I am super happy at work right now, although sometimes I find it's not challenging enough for me, I really care about the person I support and really feel like I am making a difference.....however small that may seem some days. 

Another thing that is really awesome right now is hockey!  I am loving BMHA and all the hockey excitement in our lives.   I thought I would dread going to this rink and that rink but seeing how happy Andrew is, makes me very happy.  Matthew is looking forward to switching over to BMHA next year too so that will mean double the fun for us, right?  :)

Now that we are living at Mom's, we have all had to make some small adjustments.   For the most part though, we are loving it.   The boys are getting to spend lots of quality time with their Grandma and their Auntie, and doing things with Mom that I have always wished they got to do with her. I feel really good about living here, and know it is super awesome for the boys too.  Your Mom just knows what you need, knows how you do stuff (cause she taught you most of it) and it just flows really well.   The last few years the boys haven't got to spend as much time with April as before so it's nice for them to have a lot of time together now.  We have even started having movies nights on Fridays (twice) where Amber and Brody come and we all watch a movie together.   The other day I said something to Matthew about watching a movie Mom had recorded and he said " No Mom, we are watching that on movie night."  I said: "We are having movie night again? Last week you complained the whole time" His reply: " Ya Mom, we have movie night every Saturday night that we are here, you know"  as if I was a total idiot for not knowing this was our new thing to do on "Saturday"... Friday's really but I wasn't about to tell him that.   Although we don't have our Christmas decorations here we did all decorate Mom's tree together, with Dolly Parton Christmas music in the background and egg nog, just as I remember when I was a kid.  I am sure sometimes Mom wants to scream that her house isn't always in her usual organized, clean state but I am glad she is letting it go a bit because the boys are making memories with their Gramma that will trump a clean house anyday.   I usually like to get something for my Grandma from the boys, and sometimes my Aunts, but this year I am trying to cut back and pay off debts, so we got these plaster ornaments and the boys have been working very hard on painting them.  They are excited to give them as gifts this year.   Matthew also did some shopping in the environmental club's "eco store" this year.  He gave Mom her gift already, a candle heated fondue pot ( I am not sure Mom has ever had fondue)but he was quite proud of his gift.   It was super cute.  I was telling Mom we should have fruit and chocolate fondue at our next movie night.  

That is all for now, I need to go inhale some vicks scented hot water again.  I am hoping this weekend of rest and reflecting will kick this cold in the butt! :)

A.

Back to the Basics

There have been some events in my life in the past month that have left me questioning my priorities.  It seems you never quite know what is going to happen, and the things you think are going to happen, may not.  This led me to question the people I choose to spend my time with, literally and in a broad sense (texting, communicating thru facebook, etc).   I read this post on my friends FB that said liking a status isn't the same as I would show up to your funeral  This post really hit me.   I thought wow, I have 180 some odd friends on here that I share my every thought and emotion with, and that I waste my time reading all these other peoples status' while the real world and real loved ones are right here close to me. This made me decide to deactivate my facebook for a few days and see what happened.   The result has been that I feel free, weird, I know.  The first day I picked up my Blackberry a lot and clicked on the FB app and then I would remember and put it down.  When I had a feeling or a thought, I actually had to processs it and work through it, not just type it and post it and wait to see what others had to say.  I also found I had so much  more free time just to be me.  When I have idle time I am reading a book or thinking, not reading through a bunch of stuff that really doesn't pertain to me.  I don't think I will stay off facebook forever, but when I do go back on I am going to limit my friends list to only people I talk to on a regular basis.  I will also limit my status updates so that I am forced to deal with my thoughts and emotions on my own.   Another thing I have done is deleted all contacts in my phone that wouldn't show up to my funeral.  LOL....sounds funny but true.   If I have a number in my phone and I am bored/lonely, whatever, I will text all kinds of people.....which is so dumb!   I need to learn to be ok with being alone, and being lonely, and that I have real live people very close to me, usually in the same room, that I could talk to instead! I am trying to leave my phone down and be in the moment.  I don't want to miss moments because I'm always looking down at my phone.  Tonight my sisters, my Mom, my nephew and my boys and I all watched Home Alone 2 together.   The only thing I used my phone for during that movie was to record the giggle fest that was happening.  That is a good use of technology I would say.   I also spent some time just cuddling with Andrew and being in the moment.  I find life is flying by so quickly and I don't want to waste another second on meaningless stuff or people.  That being said...I am going to end this post now so I can  get a good sleep.  I have a fun filled day with the boys planned for tomorrow.  :)

10 lbs lighter!!

Yesterday I celebrated an exciting milestone.  I hit my goal of losing 10 lbs! I am very proud of myself and going to celebrate by getting a pedicure.   It has been a fairly easy challenge so far.   Eating frequently helps stop my cravings and prevents me from bingeing on really bad food.  Being organized and 'ahead of the game' helps as well.  It's easier to eat well when the food is in your fridge ready to go.  Today we are celebrating Matthew's 8th birthday with my family and I intend to have a piece of cake.  I also intend to eat dinner out tomorrow night to celebrate at the restaurant of Matthew's choice.  I'm going to eat what I want to eat, drink a diet pepsi, enjoy it all, and get right back on my menu plan on Tuesday.   I deserve this! 

Apparently I don't do a good job at....

blogging.    I haven't posted anything since November 1st but I am going to try to do better. 

I want to make this post about the changes I've been making in my own life.   I have always been very good at organizing things so that everyone else gets taken care of, and everything that needs to be done, gets done well and on time.  I haven't done so well on taking care of myself.   I have let my weight creep up and our eating habits have not been what I would like them to be.   My friend Cheryl gave me this really simple meal plan her trainer had given a few of the girls at the gym.  It consists of eating small meals, frequently, combining complex carbs and lean proteins.  I started this 3 weeks ago yesterday and feel great!   My energy is so high, my mood swings and the sluggish feelings have diminshed.  I have practically no cravings and when I do get one I have the strength to fight it.   I have 'cheated' twice since I have started this, once for a turkey dinner at my Mom's, and once for chips, dip and pepsi.   Both times I felt soooo horrible after eating.  It is my goal to keep on this meal plan, with slight variations out of the recipe book Cheryl was given at the gym.   Following this plan, I have lost 7lbs so far and am very excited to go forward.

One thing that has been super important is planning.  With a full time job, 2 kids, hockey, homework,  being a host family, etc, etc things are always busy.   Everything has to be very well planned for me to do this.   Eating the same simple meals makes this job a little bit easier for me.   When I go for groceries I know what I am going to be making that week, which means I know what I need to buy.  This makes things so simple!   Also, I am learning that there are variations you can make easily to the same basic items to change it up.  I am enjoying the food and I dont even miss the old way of eating.   The other bonus of this is the money we are saving by not eating out.   Eating out is too tempting for me to make bad choices, so we just eat at home.   Last week we made a veggie and shrimp stirfry served over brown rice, and the boys loved it.   It felt so good to be nurturing our bodies with good for us food.  Last night I celebrated my 3rd week of my new lifestyle with my first ever sweet potato fries and chicken souvlaki, thanks to my bff.  It was so yummy.  I still can't believe that it could be good for  us!

Did I mention I feel great?!?!   Stay tuned for my progress updates!

A.