"She will not allow her past to influence the potential of her future" Anonymous

Sunday, December 16, 2012

A long journey ahead

After spending a lot of time reflecting on my life, I've decided I have a long way to go to be where and who I want to be in this life.   My anxiety issues make me lose focus on the big picture, and focus more on little things, what to where, what to say, what time to go, etc.  I forget to stand back and realize that every choice I make effects my long term goals.  I also remind myself though that as long as I learn from my mistakes and do better the next time, that is better than denying that I made any mistakes and being oblivious to the changes that are needed.  I have found myself lately to be doing a lot of complaining and not liking stuff, but not doing anything to change it, and those of you who know me, know that I can't stand that kind of person so that needs to stop...errrr....actually, change needs to start!

I spent a few days off  facebook, and then reactivated it, only to find myself more obsessed with it.   Why is it we feel the need to know what everyone else is doing all the time or to post what we are doing all the time?  I deactivated it again, clearly I need more time away.   I also need to work on the texting thing.  When I feel lonely I tend to turn to technology to connect me to people, and lots of them.  I am sure there is a better way to fill this void. Perhaps with the real people close to me?  Duh!

When the kids aren't here I find myself lonely and bored, not really sure what to do, wishing I had something to do but not knowing what that something is. I want to relax but also feel like I should be doing something exciting in my kid free time.  It happened to be this weekend that the boys were gone.  I'm also quite sick so I had a lot of downtime to just think.  I remembered that last year in January, February and March I lost 28 lbs.   I decided that this year I want to beat that!   This will give me a focus, something that I have to remember that every choice I make, everyday, will effect my end result.  I know that when I put my mind to something, I can achieve it.  It just seems with my weight loss that something always comes up and I lose my focus.  3 months is a good time frame to start for a goal.  It is long enough that I can make some major changes, but doesn't seem like forever to me, and therefore doesn't overwhelm me. 

One other thing I want to focus on is finding things that make me happy.  This is difficult for me because I get my satisfaction when other people are happy with me, which isn't really the way it should be.  When I think other people may not be happy with me, it increases my anxiety.  I am always wanting everyone elses approval, I want to get to the place where I just do what I want to do because it makes me happy, but without being a selfish bitch.  I'm not sure really how to find that balance but I hope in time to figure it out.  

I am super happy at work right now, although sometimes I find it's not challenging enough for me, I really care about the person I support and really feel like I am making a difference.....however small that may seem some days. 

Another thing that is really awesome right now is hockey!  I am loving BMHA and all the hockey excitement in our lives.   I thought I would dread going to this rink and that rink but seeing how happy Andrew is, makes me very happy.  Matthew is looking forward to switching over to BMHA next year too so that will mean double the fun for us, right?  :)

Now that we are living at Mom's, we have all had to make some small adjustments.   For the most part though, we are loving it.   The boys are getting to spend lots of quality time with their Grandma and their Auntie, and doing things with Mom that I have always wished they got to do with her. I feel really good about living here, and know it is super awesome for the boys too.  Your Mom just knows what you need, knows how you do stuff (cause she taught you most of it) and it just flows really well.   The last few years the boys haven't got to spend as much time with April as before so it's nice for them to have a lot of time together now.  We have even started having movies nights on Fridays (twice) where Amber and Brody come and we all watch a movie together.   The other day I said something to Matthew about watching a movie Mom had recorded and he said " No Mom, we are watching that on movie night."  I said: "We are having movie night again? Last week you complained the whole time" His reply: " Ya Mom, we have movie night every Saturday night that we are here, you know"  as if I was a total idiot for not knowing this was our new thing to do on "Saturday"... Friday's really but I wasn't about to tell him that.   Although we don't have our Christmas decorations here we did all decorate Mom's tree together, with Dolly Parton Christmas music in the background and egg nog, just as I remember when I was a kid.  I am sure sometimes Mom wants to scream that her house isn't always in her usual organized, clean state but I am glad she is letting it go a bit because the boys are making memories with their Gramma that will trump a clean house anyday.   I usually like to get something for my Grandma from the boys, and sometimes my Aunts, but this year I am trying to cut back and pay off debts, so we got these plaster ornaments and the boys have been working very hard on painting them.  They are excited to give them as gifts this year.   Matthew also did some shopping in the environmental club's "eco store" this year.  He gave Mom her gift already, a candle heated fondue pot ( I am not sure Mom has ever had fondue)but he was quite proud of his gift.   It was super cute.  I was telling Mom we should have fruit and chocolate fondue at our next movie night.  

That is all for now, I need to go inhale some vicks scented hot water again.  I am hoping this weekend of rest and reflecting will kick this cold in the butt! :)

A.

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